Saturday, December 31, 2005 

Precisely one day left for the year 2005. Hmmm.. A lot has happened this year and it really was alot.

At the start of the year I was hospitalized. It was friday afternoon that I woke up and started throwing up in the condo. I had a class that day and I couldn't afford to be absent. It wasn't like me to skip school even if I was sick. Before getting to class, I threw up again and when I got to school, I was so weak. That same night, I was rushed to the hospital because I couldn't take the pain anymore. I was already crying and calling my mom. Its times like this when you need a mom around. When I got to the hospital(MAKATI MED), they injected me with some medicine but the pain wouldn't go away so I was confined. I woke up 7am saturday and underwent an examination which left me unconcious the whole day. I would only wake up to find my friends would drop by. I didn't talk much to them because I was still sedated. Anyhow, the whole hospital experience thing was a lesson I still haven't learned. I mean, till now I sleep late, I don't eat on time and yep, I'm still stuck on junk food.

OJT training came in. Let's just say the opportunity to work for such a company was a pleasure. I really enjoyed their company. As for my colleague who was with me... enough said.

Thesis. I flunked my thesis before graduation. Talk about depression. I was really down when all my friends were graduating and we were left behind. I was more depressed to find out my mom was hiding the fact that I failed.

Too many has happened this whole year. Some are worth remembering. others are left unsaid.

I spent the day helping yass meet up with someone. Good thing her parents bought the whole story. Yass, my sister since high school. We are two totally different people but we get along just fine. I mean, she's the shopaholic and I hate shopping. She's the kikay girl while I'm allergic to makeup. She's makulit and I have limited patience. In the sense that we both really contradict each other but someone end up getting along. Hehe.. Happy Hew Year Sister. Thanks for everything!!!!!!mwah!!! Love ya!!

12:55 AM | |

Friday, December 30, 2005 

Reunion unplanned

Hmmm... Wanna know how boring life can get?When you start building a 1000 pc puzzle by yourself. Boredom has arrived by then. Hehe.. I know it sounds crazy but I am building a 1000 pc. It actually is a pain in the neck coz its on the floor and I have to face downwards. Anyways, whats more funny about it is that the puzzle is all clouds. Goodluck getting something complete with it. Its all shades of blue. I was having the time of my life laughing the first night we were working on it. Kuya rey and kuya dan kept making jokes about it. They started saying stuff like it has patterns and that its turning out to be an exam. It was really funny I couldn't stop laughing. Hehe.. especially when kuya rey kept laughing. The deal was that I finish the puzzle and I get a Yellow cab pizza. Hehe.. never mind the pizza, the puzzle was driving me crazy.

Anyways, today we had a sudden reunion. Nothing big. All of my close highschool buddies just showed up. It was one text away. It started with fayeh. She just showed up and my tita had to wake me up. At first I was wondering who it was because my tita didn't know her but as soon as I saw her at the doorstep, I ran to hug her. It had been a year since we last saw each other and the only communication we got was through friendster. Next came yass, we called her up to see if she would care to make an appearance since she was really bothered at home. Wot came all the way from manila. Jelay was on her way home when we texted her to drop by since the others where here. Kay was also a text away. And last was Melay. The power of communication through text. hehe..Dinner time was no problem. Although I shouldered it, they did the cooking. And it was nothing fancy. Actually, a very common dinner.

The rest of the day was spent talking about past to present to future. And in the middle of this all, the puzzle was being worked on. Towards the end of the night, we started taking pictures. Yass' cam started to malfunction and everyone started freaking out coz they know that I have "a guest" at home. They started screaming and for a minute I was kinda freaked out but then again, I remembered,its only through polaroid cams that can really tell. Wanna know what I'm talking about, watch "shutter". It will really help you out.

After dinner, they left me the dishes. I didn't mind coz I had fun with them around. It was really something. It was what we all wanted. A reunion and we all got it. It works better this way. Nothing planned.

Right now, I still working on the puzzle. It's like a piece an hour. I'm hoping to finish it by new year but I doubt. I like have 800 pcs to go. And I'm working alone on it. My dear kuya rey left me alone with it when he started it.

Comfort food : Chocolate!!!

2:16 AM | |

Tuesday, December 27, 2005 

Fever during Christmas season....

Well, finally my pc is fixed. Or so I think. Coz now whenever I use my media player, my pc automatically shuts down..

Well, Christmas turned out fine I guess.. though I wished I spent it with others. My family is great but it wasn't fun. When I came home from the christmas party at my cousins, my brother was fast asleep with a hangover.. so I spent the night talking with kuya rey, my other brother(not bloodrelated).. anyways, when I was the only one left awake, I was finishing FRIENDS when my brother woke up. To my luck, he started throwing up. And I had to watch over him. While I watched him throw up, I thought to myself that I couldnt leave him. I didn't have the heart to leave my brother while I board in manila. but then again, to hell with it. He's old enough. I was up till 730 am, bought him 6 gatorades. Funny coz kuya rey and me fell asleep while my brother was throwing up.. Hehe... We both woke up around 430 pm to have lunch. And around 530 i went back to sleep and woke up around 11pm. My plans of going to SM ended up in dreams. I did have such a weird dream. It was like a haunted dream. Someone was haunting me but i wasnt scared. I was just curious. Oh well..

Right now, I'm having a conversation with my bestfriend yass. She's having some problems herself. Though I can't object, I can't find the reason why it should be that way. What good would it do. Here's a tip yass, if you really love him, do anything to keep the relationship going but at the same time,make sure you're brave enough to stand up for what you did. Coz I know I wasn't brave enough.

I also got an unusual message from somone...

1:34 AM | |

Saturday, December 24, 2005 

Christmas Eve

This isn't exactly how I thought my christmas eve would be... totally boring. I am home reformatting my pc, my brother is asleep and my sister is in QC. What a family. So much for sticking together. And right now, I'm hearing my neighbors sing. What's bad is that they are singing the songs that we would sing when we were in dubai. I loved christmas in dubai. I had family there. Not only blood related but the people who were my parents borders. They treated me as if I was their own daughter. I miss dubai. Not because of the place but because there I was welcomed and cared for. By other people.

Christmas now in 2005 is so lonely. I mean, how lonely can this get. Home in front of a pc. I actually feel sad this christmas. I don't even feel the spirit of Christmas now. If this is how I am now, what more when its new years day?

I spent the whole day watching series of Friends. Season 5 and currently on season 6. I feel as if they are my family.Damn, this is pathetic! My whole life is based on tv series. And on a christmas eve, what am I doing?Typing down an entry for my blog while my bro is asleep and my other friends are having the time of their life with their family. I guess it isnt like before when Christmas would mean a lot of things and there would be so many gatherings. As we get older, we receive lesser gifts, eat a little less and share joy less.

this whole job thing is kinda getting boring. I went over to yass earlier and we talked about my employment status. She was right when waiting meant loosing interest to work for them in the first place. I am wasting my time with them all for the sake of the opportunity to work for a well known company. Damn!Being unemployed does not give any benefits. It's actually ruining me because now when I wake up, I automatically open my pc and connect to the net and sit there for hours. I honestly don't know what I do when I'm online. I just sit and listen to music.

You think during christmas season they would be singing christmas carols but no, they sing the non stop "Pinoy ako!".Goodness!!!It's the new christmas carol. I mean, yeah the song is great cause it talks about being proud of your nationality but hello??To turn it into a christmas carol??Are you nuts?no wonder I don't have the spirit of christmas. And now again,my neighbor is singing "Love moves in mysterious ways".Take note, this isn't the kareoke thing where you follow the lyrics. They actually play it with the electric guitar and they make it sound as if they are on concert. Uh!I rarely go out of my house so no wonder my neighbors don't know me. They only see me leaving my house in the morning and coming home late at night.

This is such a Christmas,spending it in front of a tv with a sleeping brother, a sore cold in my mouth, the smelly beds of my hamsters(I just cleaned it yesterday!) and the nonstop barking of my dogs. Oh well, might as well enjoy watching friends instead.

My mom still has no idea nor my brother that I'm moving out of the house as soon as I can. My mom won't approve of it because she's worried about my brother being left alone in the house and having no one to accompany him. If only she knew, with me existing here, it wouldn't make any difference to him whether I was here or now. Yeah, we live in the same house, under the same roof but hey, we have our own lives to live. Like now for instance, he's snoring away and I just found out he's spending Christmas with his girlfriend. How sweet of my brother right?I'm telling you mom, it wouldn't matter if I left.

But on the plus side, I don't want to leave. I guess I pity my brother for some reason. Which I know I shouldn't after what he does to me but I guess it's natural cause he's family and he's pretty much what I have here.

Merry Christmas my dear readers.. sorry for boring you with a life less ordinary..

10:31 PM | |

Tuesday, December 20, 2005 

Sleeps with butterflies

I kinda started my day out right this time. I woke up pretty early than then the time I would really wake up.. But I only woke up cause my uncle from Dubai came. He came to give me the headset that my mom had bought for us.

Last night I went o to sleep crying...

It seems as if now I'm slowly starting to climb out of my hole from the ground. It seems as if inch by inch I'm able to see daylight but very now and then i lose my step and fall back down. It's a long climb up the hole. It would have been better if I had a hand to grab hold onto but I know that I can't hold that hand. I know that I got myself into the hole and that I need to get out of it. I know I can. I just have to believe that I can.

Another Christmas here in the lonely house. But I don't think it would be that lonely. I'm not sure but my sister is coming home for christmas. Which is kinda unexpected because last we spoke, she didn't want to spend christmas with us. She didn't want to be near our house. I guess her husband got her into changing her mind. There are times when I really miss her but there are times when I can really hate her.I hate her for being selfish. I guess that's where I got my selfishness. She doesn't have a soft heart like me. She's not like me who can't say no. She's the strong one of the family. The breadwinner as we would all call it. She knew what she wanted since she was a kid. It's like what my brother said. We three may look so alike but we all have such different attitudes. We are all so unique that it would be so impossible for all of us to have a soft heart. I can't blame any of them for the way they are. It is impossible to grow up without the care of parents around 24/7. We got by with just a phone call and with aunts and uncles. None of us ever grew up together under one roof. We grew up separately. I guess that's why we hate each other so much. Siblings who we can't live with... but at the same time can't live without.

I've been thinking about my work. It seems I'm gonna end up working for a call center. Which was what I said to be my last option. But I guess when money matters come in, you'd do anything to help out. So this is how it feels like being jobless. I thought it would be easy since I was the last kid and that I wasn't studying anymore but it looks like I'm the one to carry the most load. I mean, my brother is soon to get married. He just needs to save up for it. And with me actually not working isn't actually helping him. I know I deserve to have a break from all of this but when you're at the age of 20, single and bummed at home, you start to think of your options and your responsibilities.

I know I said goodbye but I wish I hadn't. But then this would only prolong the agony where you are or we are. Maybe if we do meet again in the future, things won't be that hard. Maybe I would have grown up by then, I would learned my lessons. Take care my dear friend. It was fun while it lasted. I'll see you soon.

11:13 PM | |

Wednesday, December 14, 2005 

I feel pathetic

I'm officially bummed out. I feel useless and pathetic. I feel as if I never made the right decision. All my decisions have been wrong.

: messing around with the wrong crowd
: messed up my thesis therefore postponing my graduation rites.

I feel as if ever since I met him, I made all the wrong decisions and ever since then I haven't been able to make the right ones. It's like he messed up my life when all along I was the one who messed it up for myself. How stupid of me to actually do that. Now, I feel like a total loser. I keep on turning down job offers when I know that I need a job right away to break away from this hell I live in. I know that it's part of job hunting where you turn down offers but sometimes I feel as if I turned down the ones that will give me a living I want. I'm not even sure if I'll be accepted at the company that I'm opting for yet I keep turning down job offers. The first actual job offer I would have gotten would have got me employed now but I didn't take it. Coz of reasons so unreasonable. I have become so weak. Weak in the sense that I'm afraid of getting hurt so instead of facing my problems, I run away from them. I can't fight back. I don't know how to fight back.

I don't know how I let someone ruin me emotionally that it affected me as a whole. Do you know what its like living in a world where people say things about you. People always commenting about you and sometimes these comments aren't even nice to hear. I had to put up with people saying how hagard I looked, how skinny I looked, how I spoke, how I acted.. Everything. There waws always comments on me being someone else. I lost who I was before. Now I can't even find myself. Among the crowd, I feel like a completely different person. I know who I am but I just can't find strength to bring it out of me.

I'm tired from my life. I'm tired from hearing discriminations, critisims, comparisons.. all those craps. I hate having to deal with people who keep saying what I should be doing with my life. Why can't they just let me live the way I want to. I hate persistent people. You know who you are. I hate being bugged and believe me when I get pissed, I really get pissed.

I used to say that I lived a life without regrets but I am a liar coz I keep regretting the mistakes I have made. All my decisions were wrong from the start.

6:25 PM | |

Wednesday, December 07, 2005 

What runs in my thoughts

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I was in bed by 130am but at 4am I was still up. I had the urge to get up from my bed and write an entry but then I realized that it was morning and what would people think of me awake at that hour.As always,they would say that I didn't sleep. They would bug me about getting rest and all. I know people don't mean any harm in reminding mr or noticing things that I do but I got used to not being noticed. I mean, I lived my college life dong what I wanted and people could care less of what I did. I was never bothered if I was up at 3am or that I was eating outside at 3am. Things like that didn't bother anyone before. But now that I live back home, I don't get the priviledge I used to. The other day my ever so dear brother thought it was nice to raise his voice to me again over something I didn't do. As always, he finds ways to make my life miserable. But stupid as it may sound, I have a soft heart for him. Despite the fact that he humiliated me in front of everyone. Brothers will always be brothers. As my friend said. It's hard to raise a brother.

Being a bum at home does not give me any benefits. First of all, I'm asleep at daylight and come out past afternoon. So much for being productive. I love to sleep in especially on rainy days.

Ever had that feeling where you want to succeed in something?You want to be good at something?Well, I feel that every day.It's as if I want to be able to be someone around the house. Not just the only teenage or adult girl living in the house. I want to be able to show people that I can be someone. But unfortunately,I will always be the youngest in the house who will be known as the irresponsible one, the one who always messes up. The first thing my bro said to my sis when she arrived.."Her?still the same..ogag pa rin"..Sweet right?My own brother thinks less of me. Man, that does feel good. (sarcastically speaking)

It's bad when people really judge you for their mistakes. It really sticks in you. I realized that I'm gonna have a hard time here. So I better make haste and move out soon. But I still have a soft heart for my family though they treat me like a piece of....

We just recently applied for an unlimited on the internet and that was actually not good. Now I'm constantly online.A good thing that I moved the pc to the living room otherwise I would never get some sleep.

Fiesta is a day away and thats the day I'm pigging out at my bestfriends pad..hehe

ricardo: putanginang buraot! yung mga nagsesend ng "cursed" msg na pag di daw pinasa, mamamatay minamahal kong ina, KAGAGUHAY YUN punyeta kayo! wag kayo maniwala sa chain mail/msg! pass this to everybody on your list, kung hindi matatae kayo ng 10 beses sa isang araw for the next 2 years (ako naman ang buraot ngayon).

just got this off my bestfriend aki..I totally agree with him except for the part where you are suppose to send it...haller?I miss him badly. He is going through alot.Pretty much what I went through except he is the guy.hehe

I miss all my barkada peepz..I never get to see them as much as I used to. They all have work. It's kinda weird when you start hearing them talk about work. It makes you feel like an outcast.I guess it's normal coz you can't relate in the first place. Speaking of work, I have been thinking of moving to another country as well. Maybe in australia.where my cousins are.But moving away to another country would be running away from my past which isn't the right thing to do.

I miss being me.

"hark the herald angels sing"

I am listening to christmas carols. It's always around these times when I would listen to christmas carols with my parents. And once again, I'm having a lonely christmas.

12:36 AM | |

Friday, December 02, 2005 

please listen to what we are not saying

I dream to be in a place where I'm free. A place where people won't stop me from doing anything that i desire.

When I'm with people I pretend to be someone I'm not. Someone who's happy...someone who's free from all miseries. Free from all troubles in life. Free. But I am nothing but a pretender..

I hate persistent people. People who won't know when to stop.

I hate having to agree on others terms.

I'll be honest. I am a person who, when I say NO,I mean it. I love to hang out with my friends on my own terms. I love to fool around with them. I guess after getting my break broken..I turned away from those things..I found joy in hanging out with friends who really cared for me.

I wish I could disappear from where I am now. I wish I could just go away and move in to the future.


When I shout out, I wish to remove all anger
When I whisper, I wish to keep them back
When I cry, I remove my anger
When I become silent,I need to be alone

This is a piece of my speech choir

PLEASE LISTEN TO WHAT WE ARE NOT SAYING

Don't be fooled by us, don't be fooled by the face we wear,
for we wear a mask, we were a thousand mask, mask that we're afraid
to take off and none of them are us.

We give you the impression that we're secure,
that confidence is our name, and coolness is our game
that the water is calm and we're in command
and that we need no one
but don't believe us please.

Our surface may seem smooth beneath
We dwell in confusion, in fear in aloneness
But we hide this
We panic at the thought of our weakness and
fear of being exposed.
That's why we frantically create a mood to hide
behind a non-chalant sophisticated facade, to sheild us from
the glance that knows but such a glance
are our salvation and we know it.

It's the only thing that can assure us of
acceptance and love,we're afraid that
You'll think less of us and that you'll laugh
Laugh will kill us.


So we play our game, our desperate
pretending game with a facade of an assurance
without and a tremling child within
and so our lives became a front we nearly
chatter to you in a suave surface tone

We tell you everything that is nothing and
nothing of what is everything or whats crying within me.
So when we go into our routine do not
be fooled by what we are saying. Please
Listen carefully to hear what we are not saying

We dislike the superficial phony game we're playing

We like to be genuine and spontaneous and us
you've got to hold out your hand when
it seems to be the last thing I seem to want or need

Only you can call me to aliveness
each time you try to understand
because you really care.

Our hearts begin to grow with very feable wings
we want you to know how important you are to us
and how you can be the creator of the person that is us if you choose to.

But it will not be easy for you a long
conviction of worthless builds strong walls
and there lies in our hopes

Who are we, you may wonder. We are someone
you know very well, we are every man and woman you meet


good night aki...kachat kita ngayon eh..hehe

1:56 AM | |

Thursday, December 01, 2005 

a few random facts

well...the other night i was suppose to post out a few things about me but too bad for me,my internet went bonkers...hehe...
anyways..let's see if i can still remember them...
Random facts :
1. I don't use ketchup on fries
2. I can go eating fried rice all day(those chinese ones)
3. I can go a week with no TV, provided I have music to listen to
4. I am not fond of lizards and grasshoppers.Please keep them away..
5. I honestly don't know how to use make up!(a little help girls?hehe)
6. I just recently found out that during my high school days I would order Big Mac.
7. I love to store quotes.I have 2 organizers full of them.
8. I plan to leave this place one day.
9. I want to learn how to drive a CRV.(Hopefully in the future I will!)
10. I love watching my friends who can play an instrument,reminds me to learn them one day.
11. I'm actually afraid of heights and closed placed,also crowded areas.
12. I collect bags and wallets.(I just realized this earlier today)
13. I want to learn french(again)
14. I'm a procastinator.
15. I'm a collector of Archie Comics.
16. I want to get my hamsters a big house.Maybe as big as my room.And increase their population.
17. This isn't random facts..well known actually...I can stay up for 30+ hours... basta may pc..
18. I didn't have a normal childhood.
19. I love green peas with butter.
20. I love late 80's and early 90's music.
21. I can sleep for more than 12 hours.
22. I hate thunder.
23. I want to go on road trips.(any invites?)
24. I love to write journals,not online ones.
25. I love to dance.
26. I collect stationery.
27. I'd love to be a PC freak.
28. I've never been to Baguio and Enchanted Island nor Splash Island.
29. I HATE comparison.Be it in my family or in public.
30. I HATE people always telling me "ang payat mo" when they see me.It does not uplift me one bit. Is that all you see?
31. I hate it when strangers(esp. men) stare.It's like they've never seen girls.
32. I don't fight back.
33. I can't stand up for myself.
34. I am weak and vulnerable,people just don't think so.
35. I want a labrador.how I will own it I still have no freakin' idea.
36. I like white roses. They look more prettier.
37. I eat wrappers of lumpia/turon uncooked.Fresh from the ref.
38. I loved to sit on the rooftop of my old place and dream far away.
39. I am actually a bookworm.
40. I'm sentimental and MENTAL.

hmm...now that I've typed it down,it doesn't seem that good. Oh well, it was worth a shot. Goodnyt readers.

1:27 AM | |