frustrations
I moved out. Let's start with that. I moved out after I came from a summer outing in Puerto. Nice timing actually. Moving out and into a nice 2 bedroom apartment in mandaluyong, the place that my dad keeps saying is a dangerous place because all the crazy people are there. Maybe I am one of them. I don't know but recently I've been feeling really down. It's like a part of me is missing in life. I don't even know what it is.I've been feeling restless about the things that I have in life. I know I should be thankful for those things and I am but it's like as days go by, I think deeper and deeper. I begin to wonder if this is how life at 21 really is. I get lonely at times because at the end of the day I'm alone. Alone in the sense that I have no one to share my dreams with, no one to talk about my thoughts and plans in life. Although Chester, who is my co-worker told me that planning will get me nowhere, I just can't live life without knowing what's in store for me. I mean, highschool life, all we had to think about was graduating from high school and getting into a decent college. And when college came, we just had to worry about graduating and getting into a nice paying job. Now that I'm in a nice paying job, I'm beginning to wonder what the hell am I suppose to do with my life.
Sure I live in a great apartment that just has the plumbing and watery walls as our problems but then the mere fact that I have my own place is actually fulfilling for an independent lady like me. But then again it has its own flaws. I'm single, independent but alone in life. Sure I have friends and family but they all have their own lives and I can't possible bear to trouble them just because I'm lonely. Growing up was hard for me but I learned to live with it. I grew up without my sister and brother next to me growing up along with me. So that means that I should be able to live life alone and not be bothered with having no one around. I guess I depended too much on my friends to be there for me when I was alone that now when I need them the most, they can't be found. I don't blame them because it's not their responsiblity to make sure that I'm happy. I guess I'm just in that stage where you just have to find yourself. The journey to know yourself and what you want in life. It's a long journey, one that I don't know if it started already or I have to start it.
I have frustrations in life. i envy my friends who make life seem so simple for them. But it's so darn complicated for me. I don't even know why it's complicated for me, considering the fact that I'm single, have a stable job and a roof above my head. Maybe I want a challenge in life. Maybe I want the life of those that I see in tv. Those that have excitements and challenges. Or maybe I'm just watching too much soaps or an overdose of Charmed. I'd actually like to live the life of a charmed one. That didn't seem too boring.
I want to drive. I want my own car, a labrador, a sport, a hobby, a pet(my pet hamster has gone and rest in peace)... I want a life. I want a laptop to be able to writer where ever i am and in whatever mood i am.
I worry that maybe there's something wrong with me. I think I might be an alcoholic. I drink every friday night after work, I drink when I'm depressed. I drink when I'm heartbroken. But then again, I'm still sober or so I think I am. I think that I spend too much, that I have too much confident in believing that I can handle everything on my own and that I don't need anyone's help. But deep down inside, I'm just waiting for someone to lend a helping hand. I miss my friends who I used to hang out with when I was bored with life. i miss talking to sensible people.
I know that one day all my questions in life will be answered, I just pray that I won't run out of patience. I do have little patience. Or maybe I don't have one at all.
I hate you for doing this all to me. I hate you for being you. I hate you because you show me what I was in the past. You introduced me to myself and how i was. I hate you because you make me live the life I made others live. I hate you because you brought my hopes so high up in the air and left me hanging on a thin piece of thread. I want to cut the thread and fall deep into the pits where I belong, isolated from everyone. It's like every time I let someone into my world, they come just to break it apart. Now I'm afraid to be with anyone. I built my wall high up so that no one would come and break it down.
Sure I live in a great apartment that just has the plumbing and watery walls as our problems but then the mere fact that I have my own place is actually fulfilling for an independent lady like me. But then again it has its own flaws. I'm single, independent but alone in life. Sure I have friends and family but they all have their own lives and I can't possible bear to trouble them just because I'm lonely. Growing up was hard for me but I learned to live with it. I grew up without my sister and brother next to me growing up along with me. So that means that I should be able to live life alone and not be bothered with having no one around. I guess I depended too much on my friends to be there for me when I was alone that now when I need them the most, they can't be found. I don't blame them because it's not their responsiblity to make sure that I'm happy. I guess I'm just in that stage where you just have to find yourself. The journey to know yourself and what you want in life. It's a long journey, one that I don't know if it started already or I have to start it.
I have frustrations in life. i envy my friends who make life seem so simple for them. But it's so darn complicated for me. I don't even know why it's complicated for me, considering the fact that I'm single, have a stable job and a roof above my head. Maybe I want a challenge in life. Maybe I want the life of those that I see in tv. Those that have excitements and challenges. Or maybe I'm just watching too much soaps or an overdose of Charmed. I'd actually like to live the life of a charmed one. That didn't seem too boring.
I want to drive. I want my own car, a labrador, a sport, a hobby, a pet(my pet hamster has gone and rest in peace)... I want a life. I want a laptop to be able to writer where ever i am and in whatever mood i am.
I worry that maybe there's something wrong with me. I think I might be an alcoholic. I drink every friday night after work, I drink when I'm depressed. I drink when I'm heartbroken. But then again, I'm still sober or so I think I am. I think that I spend too much, that I have too much confident in believing that I can handle everything on my own and that I don't need anyone's help. But deep down inside, I'm just waiting for someone to lend a helping hand. I miss my friends who I used to hang out with when I was bored with life. i miss talking to sensible people.
I know that one day all my questions in life will be answered, I just pray that I won't run out of patience. I do have little patience. Or maybe I don't have one at all.
I hate you for doing this all to me. I hate you for being you. I hate you because you show me what I was in the past. You introduced me to myself and how i was. I hate you because you make me live the life I made others live. I hate you because you brought my hopes so high up in the air and left me hanging on a thin piece of thread. I want to cut the thread and fall deep into the pits where I belong, isolated from everyone. It's like every time I let someone into my world, they come just to break it apart. Now I'm afraid to be with anyone. I built my wall high up so that no one would come and break it down.
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